Indignities suffered by bridesmaids

thank God I didn't have to deal with wearing an ugly bridesmaid gown on top of everything else

I have just finished being a bridesmaid for the third and probably final time, as all of my siblings and close friends are married, and I am currently hunched over my keyboard at work, makeup-less and haggard, nursing pain in my shoulders, arms, and back for some reason, and thinking about all the awful things I had to endure yesterday as a bridesmaid.

Groomsmen have to spend a lot of money to rent a tuxedo or a 2-3 piece suit, and those can get hot during warm weddings, but their misery is nothing compared to ours. I have gone to hell and back.

My brother got married on a mountain, and it rained throughout. I was wet, cold, and shivering for most of the event, except for when I was seated in the reception tent next to a heater set to full blast. That's that I was wearing leggings under my dress. My sister could not, as her dress had a slit in it. When we were carted to and from the bridal suite on golf carts by the event staff (greatly appreciated and vastly better than walking in our heels), we were splashed by the falling rain and the water on the ground, and the ups and downs of the cart route meant we were in constant fear of falling off of it. Once my sister (also a bridesmaid) and I sat in the back seat, and the rain dripped off the roof at the center in a fairly solid stream, which my sister tried to deflect with an umbrella, but the stream just ran off the umbrella into my lap. I almost didn't notice due to how cold it was. It was about 50 degrees Fahrenheit at that point. Both entering and departing the golf cart soaked my long dress's hem, and I spent the entire wedding with about 3-6 inches of my dress hem wet. The rain frizzed my hair. At one point we had to take bridal party photos next to the barn the ceremony took place in, and the rain ran off the roof and down my back into my bridesmaid gown. I had to change my position for the picture and the rain hit my shoulder and ran down my chest into the front of my gown. At no point were we allowed to wear our coats during the picture taking. It was anywhere from 50 to 38 degrees that day, and you could see people's breath. One girl already had a cold; no allowances were made for her.

 My sister was married only a couple of miles from our brother's venue on the same mountain, a few days later than yesterday's wedding date (albeit six years before), and it was very bright and sunny. I got a sunburn on my back and shoulders, and the bridesmaid gown's straps left a pale, prominent crisscross pattern on my lobster back.

In the last wedding I was in, my other brother's, I wore these elegant high heels in my perfect nude shade. I forgot to bring flats, so I had to stay in them during the entire wedding, and my toes were numb for a month. I specifically spent several weeks looking for comfortable nude high-heeled sandals for this wedding, determined not to experience that level of discomfort again. The new shoes I bought were light tan high-heeled sandals by Naturalizer, a very good brand specializing in comfortable shoes. They have a medium-height heel with a 1-2 cm thickness at the front part of the shoe in order to alleviate the height of the heel, a sturdy construction with a padded insole. They hurt my feet anyway. I do think it is important to get high heels that will support and cushion your feet as much as comfortable, but human beings are not meant to wear high heels for hours on end, and that is sadly expected of women at formal functions. For my sister's wedding, we wore flats with a small stacked wedge heel. They still hurt my feet. Also uncomfortable: shapewear.

There have been myriad articles written about the expected tasks of bridesmaids, who must pay upwards of $100 for their bridesmaid dresses, as well as shoes and other accessories, as well as pay for travel expenses and presents for both the wedding and the bachelorette party (which they often plan, and for which there can be an entrance fee, depending on where it is held). Buying a bridesmaid dress from a wedding clothing retailer sucks because they're $100-200+, and being given a swatch of fabric and told to find a dress that matches that color sucks because you spend hours scouring the racks at discount and department stores, and it gives you a slight PWSD (post wedding stress disorder) for months afterwards, causing you to twitch every time you see a dress on the rack that could have been a possible bridesmaids dress for months afterwards. I paid $75 plus tip for a shampoo, haircut (trim) and blowout. I am very lucky in that my mother paid for my manicure and pedicure and my bridesmaid dress for every sibling's wedding that I have been in. Some bridesmaids are expected to pay for a professional hairdresser and/or makeup artist to beautify them for the wedding.

No one has written about the awkwardness of sharing a small room or cabin with several other women one does not know very well, having to change and be in various states of undress in front of near-strangers, and politely maneuvering about the most coveted spots (mirrors and bathrooms) to change and do one's makeup in. It is worst if you are a sister of the groom and all the other girls are close friends of the bride and therefore naturally cliquish, or if you are a friend of the bride and all the other girls are related to her/him and/or each other, and naturally close. I usually belong to the former group, and in these instances I have thanked my lucky stars that I have a sister to share the awkwardness with. I have no idea what I would have done with myself had I not had my sister to talk to during both of my brothers' weddings. Some girls are friendlier than others, and the bride is usually too busy to be the intermediary.

Every time I have a bachelorette party to go to, I go to Victoria's Secret because I know of no other place to purchase lingerie. For some reason I feel that it is kind of embarrassing and tacky to buy lingerie at a department store (you are not immune to propaganda, etc.). Every time I purchase lingerie at Victoria's Secret, I have to lie down: one bra and one panty costs nearly as much as my car insurance monthly payment. (Worth googling: "victoria's secret prison labor" and "victoria's secret slave labor".) It is egregious. Not to mention, Victoria's Secret stores are extremely garish, loud, overtly sexual, and confusing to navigate. They are also embarrassing for anyone who has any sense of propriety, has been discouraged from thinking about sex/taught to see sex in a negative light due to a conservative religious upbringing, or is uncomfortable with sexuality in general. Unfortunately, I am all of these. I always buy a matching bra and panty because then I can cling to the belief that they will be worn as normal underclothing and not for sex. What, is that weird? This whole thing is weird, buddy. Where have you been?

It strikes me that being a bridesmaid is a perfect example of femininity in this society: very dressed up, made up, and feminine, but still doing a lot of unpaid labor, both physical and emotional, yet expected to look and act perfectly, with the goal of fulfilling some oft-maligned female position, all out of love.

Anyway, here is a bullet point list of other, more specific to me indignities that I have suffered as a bridesmaid or maid of honor:

• had to share the position of maid of honor with another girl (it's the bride's choice! But it still hurt a little)
• was extremely indignant at the other maid of honor when she got married later on and didn't have two maids of honor for fear of hurting her sister's feelings. There is no justice in life.
• another girl planned the bachelorette party for the bride (admittedly much better than I ever could have) even though I was the maid of honor
• was once excluded from a bachelorette party even though I was a bridesmaid
• looked and looked for a dress to wear as a bridesmaid in a specific color that was impossible to find on the rack, broke down and bought the dress at full price from David's Bridal, then learned another bridesmaid found her David's Bridal dress at a thrift store for a few dollars
• had to sit at the traditional long bridal party table between/next to people I did not know very well 
• had to dance at the reception as a means to encouraging wedding guests to dance. They just looked on, and I was exposed as the bad, zumba-inspired dancer that I really am
• was paired with the shortest groomsman (I'm rather tall)
• was paired with groomsmen who had little to no interest in talking to me (one even ignored me during the entire event)
• was paired with a groomsman who dropped my arm the second he was able to, like I had cooties or something
• all the groomsmen who are not related to me have girlfriends or are married (it's not their fault but I still feel a little affronted)
• tbh, movies and pop culture have put it in my head that bridesmaids frequently find romantic prospects at a wedding, whether it is with a groomsman or with a wedding guest, and this has never ever happened to me, not even once
• having to deal with the thought that the only reason I'm a bridesmaid is because I'm related to the bride/groom, and I don't have any friends
• being the tallest bridesmaid
• being the oldest bridesmaid
• being the fattest bridesmaid
• being the most single bridesmaid
• being the fattest, oldest, tallest, most single bridesmaid
• was never given the chance to be a bridesmaid in the first place

Despite all this complaining, I really do love being a bridesmaid. Being a bridesmaid is almost better than being a wedding guest, because you get to feel special and important, and it creates a faux friend group for you to be a part of. Also I love getting to be in professional photoshoots for mostly free. I love weddings; I love love. Weddings are so lovely and exciting, and I love being a part of them and of someone's special day.

Book review: Bridget Jones's Diary by Helen Fielding

eating disorder tw, also spoilers

Can you believe it took me this long to read Bridget Jones's Diary? I did just barely buy it from the thrift store on Wednesday of last week, and read it yesterday! Aren't you proud of me?  I think this is the OG modern retelling of Pride & Prejudice. Amazon summary:

Bridget Jones's Diary is the devastatingly self-aware, laugh-out-loud account of a year in the life of a thirty-something Singleton on a permanent doomed quest for self-improvement. Caught between the joys of Singleton fun, and the fear of dying alone and being found three weeks later half eaten by an Alsatian; tortured by Smug Married friends asking, "How's your love life?" with lascivious, yet patronizing leers, Bridget resolves to: reduce the circumference of each thigh by 1.5 inches, visit the gym three times a week not just to buy a sandwich, form a functional relationship with a responsible adult and learn to program the VCR. With a blend of flighty charm, existential gloom, and endearing self-deprecation, Bridget Jones's Diary has touched a raw nerve with millions of readers the world round. 

This book felt like a grown-up version of the Georgia Nicholson books (Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging, etc.), another series of English girl dating diary-style books. Bridget has the same desperation, the same despondent belief that she is fat and ugly, the same tight group of friends with their own relationship problems, and nearly the same naivety towards men as Georgia, and the latter is fourteen. What's different is that Bridget's anxieties are of the 30-something "I'm going to die alone/men are trash" variety, her friend group includes a Gay Best Friend, and her negative body image veers towards an eating disorder. Adult women are supposed to eat between 1600 and 2400 calories a day, yet Bridget aims for 700 daily calories, and beats herself up if she eats 1200. She frequently calls herself fatphobic names, has a photographic memory of how many calories every kind of food has (this is remarkable because she can't remember her times table or anything else having to do with numbers), and once flees an attempted tryst with a younger man because he presses down on her stomach and says "squashy" in a non-negative way (weird, but not mean). Bridget also strongly reminds me of the Shopaholic series' main character, due to how much I wanted to shake her (they're so annoying and need to grow up!!).

I also would not say Bridget is self aware, as the book summary does. She's way too hard on herself in the looks department and thinks she's fat even though she's not, while she doesn't realize how hard she's making her own life. She also deflates whenever anyone is mean or overbearing, and doesn't know how to set boundaries with people. I was similarly boy-obsessed, despairing when they ignored me, and certain I was fat and always trying to diet in my twenties, but Bridget's in her thirties and is acting like a 19 year old.

In short, Bridget bears no resemblance to Lizzy Bennet. Lizzy would have stood up to the fatphobic catty model-types and said something witty and biting to them. Lizzy wouldn't have slept with her boss even though she knew he didn't want to be in a relationship (Bridget did call him out a few times, but was still really gullible). Lizzy wouldn't have cared what weight or size she was. Lizzy wouldn't have fretted over men or dying alone. Lizzy wouldn't have put up with many of Bridget's so-called "friends"' behavior, and she would have handled the Smug Marrieds' nosy questions better, possibly even making them feel they had behaved badly. She also doesn't have any banter with Darcy. Bridget is a disappointment in that sense. You have to see this book as a completely different work than Pride & Prejudice.

Mark Darcy was handled pretty well, I thought. I was surprised to see that his and Bridget's relationship wasn't the typical "hate to love"/wits clashing kind of dynamic that you often see. Bridget's and Mark's family friends keep trying to push them together, but Bridget thinks Mark is a dork, and Mark thinks she's attractive but that she's not into him. They obviously get together in the end, although you don't really know why. Bridget is so immature and has so many neuroses and low self esteem that you're not sure what Mark sees in her, apart from his comment that he was tired of dating airbrushed, plastic women and wanted someone real. You also get the feeling Bridget gets with Mark mainly because she likes the attention and doesn't want to be single anymore. Her finally having a boyfriend is the triumph, not their being in love. To be honest, this book dwelt way too much on the Wickham character, Bridget's boss, than on Mark Darcy.

I thought it was a stroke of genius that the Mrs. Bennet and Lydia characters were compounded into one, Bridget's mum. She gets a midlife crisis and a Portuguese lover, to Bridget's horror, and the scandal Darcy has to help with is a timeshare scam. I thought she was pretty well-written: self-involved, self-absorbed, selfish, obsessed with fixing Bridget up with somebody, totally embarrassing. I also thought Bridget was way too much of a doormat with her, always doing what she wanted.

The other characters are nearly unrecognizable to their P&P counterparts, or nonexistent. Bridget's dad is a racist cuckhold who weeps and mopes about when his wife leaves him (he always calls the Portuguese lover a w*p when railing against him). Mr. Bennet would have been like, good riddance if his wife left him. Mary Bennet's part may have been played by Bridget's man-hating (but not a lesbian) friend? I already mentioned that Bridget's hot but flaky boss was the Wickham character, but he also had a dash of Mr. Collins, in the sense that he married someone else and it blindsided Bridget.

I know I've been ragging on this book a lot, and deservedly so, but I still enjoyed it for what it was. I read this at the end of a very long day, and it was the perfect read for that. I'd recommend this book if you want to read all of the Jane Austen retellings or if you like chick lit, especially British chick lit, and have a high tolerance for romcom Single Girl shenanigans.

I want to read the other books, but will get them from the library rather than buying them. I'd also like to see the movies.

Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars
Read in: May 12
From: thrift store
Format: paperback
Status: idk, probably giving away