One of my tasks as a reference librarian is looking over the new books that are processed and ready to be shelved. One of them was My Son, Beloved Stranger by Carrol Grady. It is about an Adventist mother who is devastated when she learns her son is gay. She and the rest of the family struggle with this new side of their son as well as what others might think, their church's beliefs about gay people, and the looming threat of AIDS. The family eventually comes to accept their son and his sexuality.
MS,BS was based on the author's personal experiences, and I believe the feelings and experiences are very similar to, if not exactly, what happened. It was originally published in 1995 under a pseudonym (visible on the book cover above-left). The writing was, in my opinion, somewhat flowery and dramatic, with some unnecessary details. I do think this book was and probably still is very important for SDA parents of LGBT+ children, as at the time it was published there was little to no literature or visible support around this issue (from/by/to the Adventist church).
While I understand this book was written specifically for parents who might be blindsided by their child coming out to them and what that might entail for their religious beliefs, I thought that it made the son's being gay all about his family, especially his mother. The parents did worry about whether their son Danny would be fired for his orientation (he was a K-12 teacher), or if he would be beat up or ostracized, or if he would get AIDS, but most of their worries seemed to be about their own situations. The parents worried about what other people might think of them and leaned on their son to stay in the closet. The mother mourned the loss of the "straight" son she knew and was crushed that her son would not be able to marry and have children. She was also extremely worried that she or her husband had been responsible for her son's gayness: she and Danny had always been very close (the smothering mother theory), and her husband was a missionary pastor and was often gone for the better part of the year (the distant/absent father theory). She felt like she couldn't talk to anyone about it out of shame, seeing herself as being in the closet as the parent of a gay son, and she sank into a deep depression. Her husband was no help because he, in denial, insisted that Danny was just going through a phase and needed to snap out of it.
I suppose it is a testament to how much things have changed in society at large, my own worldview, and even the Adventist church when it comes to LGBT+ people, but I confess I was rather surprised at how hard Danny's parents took everything. When the mother learned about her son being gay, she started screaming and sobbing and punching the walls so hard she hurt herself. I've already mentioned her deep depression. The father was in denial and refused to reevaluate his worldview or listen to his son. At some point, Danny moved in with his brother and sister-in-law because of the difficulties he was having with his parents. All of this just seemed so extra to me. They were seriously reacting as if their son had been murdered, or as if he had turned out to be a serial rapist or something. And this was from Christian parents who loved their son! I was like secondhand offended at all the homophobia and narrow-mindedness.
After Danny broke off his engagement to a nice girl his parents loved, his mother started remembering all these super gay things he did as a young child, such as being really happy when his female friend let him be the mommy when playing house, saying he was going to be a ballerina when he grew up, begging his mother for a twirly skirt and then twirling around in it, loving music and art and hating sports and cars, etc. All that and she had no idea?? To be honest, that's pretty stereotypical and imo more indicative of someone being a trans girl than a gay guy, but whatever. I was also deeply amused when Danny's dad said that all teenage guys experience feelings for their guy friends due to hormones. Like what??? Sounds like dad is bi!
Anyway, the book ends with Danny, a couple of failed relationships under his belt, telling his mother that he's going to be celibate from now on and is joining an Anglican church, and she rejoices. The author wrote an afterword that included a more affirming viewpoint for LGBT+ people (i.e. the gays don't have to be celibate to be accepted by their church/God). Overall, I think this book might be helpful for Adventist parents of LGBT+ children, as well as people studying the acceptance of LGBT+ people in the SDA denomination or Christianity in general. I don't think I'd recommend this to LGBT+ people themselves, as the negative viewpoints and situations might be triggering to them. Ultimately, this is a book for straight people, and while some might use it to pat themselves on the back for being so accepting, it might help others, especially the more traditionally minded, to become more accepting themselves. However, a lot of change has happened in the last 20+ years, and there are better books out there, such as Justin Lee's book Torn.
Score: 3.5 out of 5 stars
Read in: late April
From: the library
Format: paperback
Status: still at the library obvs
EDIT: if you're interested in this book/topic, read this article by Mrs. Grady where she looks back over the 30 years since her son came out and inspired MS,BS. Very interesting.
